I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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