Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?