Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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