Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
