I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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