No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
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