tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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