im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just pee around me
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
