i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
