she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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