That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
