his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
