I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
