i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i love accidental penises.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
