Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Randomize
