That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
