Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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