wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
