i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
