A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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