I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
