What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
its liver damage thursday
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
