Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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