im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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