awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
