He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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