I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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