Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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