drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
