You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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