She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Hippo gnu deer
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
