I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
