He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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