I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
