we have pet lesbian snakes
so explain again why im purple
no
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Green mimosas i think yes
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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