Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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