Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
