Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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