non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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