i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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