Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Sext me about skeletons
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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