I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just found puke in my bra..
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
