remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
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Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
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Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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