So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
