my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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