God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Can Purell be used as lube?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
