I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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