Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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