What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i wish my penis had a tongue
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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