I am in a vortex of obligation.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Randomize
