he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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