I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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