I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
