he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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