do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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