I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
