Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
