I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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