apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
